From D

A Mothers Love

I wrote this 6 months after my son died of cancer at the age of 37yrs and my emotions are still raw.

I still feel angry with the hospital for not trying to prolong his life a little longer and I find this hard to forgive. He saw all the Doctors he had to see and was told to wait for a phone call to be admitted which never came. Maybe it would not have made a difference but to lose a young life, my darling son, without trying to give him more time is hard to bear.

I love all my children and I am proud of them all but today I express my love for the son who I lost. He was a lovely boy growing up, not perfect and at times a pain in the neck. On one occasion he bought me some chocolates and secretly ate half blaming his brother and sister.

At the age of eighteen after a few words he left home and I did not see him for nearly a year. The Police could not reveal his whereabouts, only that he was alright.
Then one day he turned up unexpected with some news.

“Mum, I’m sorry for the grief I have caused but I have to tell you something. I’m Gay.” Emotions of anger, hurt and fear surfaced as I knew nothing about the Gay scene and I was especially afraid that he might be physically hurt which he did but thankfully not too seriously.

I had to adjust to this new situation but realised he was still the same person who would do anything for anyone and try and help if he could. I tried to find out what being Gay meant and I began listening to my son. There will always be a part of my son’s life I will never know about. His partner loved and cared about him and even now phones me regularly.

My son’s death is still painful. Parents are not supposed to outlive their children.
Sometimes you wish you could turn back the hands of time. When they are small you can protect them to a degree. I want to console my children but what do I say – I can say that he loved you all and that he was brave.

A further twist of emotional pain is that his death brings to the surface the memories of the deaths of my daughter, father and mother. Because life is busy those emotions become buried with time but the death of my son was like a straw breaking the camels back bringing almost unbearable pain to the surface. The pain and hurt is like insanity. I want to scream and smash everything in sight. You miss your loved ones so much that if there was a ladder long enough you would climb it and fetch them back. As much as you don’t want to take pills you need them to cope.

Having the grandchildren visit is a comfort. I wish his Dad would talk more but he has always been quiet with his emotions but he must be suffering too.

I love my son and my children & my grandchildren. Writing this is supposed to help me but I can’t see that or feel that. It is Sunday today; He passed away on a Sunday.
Some family members still cannot accept he has gone. Nobody talks about my son. I suppose they are fed up with me saying the same things but I have to talk about him because I am afraid I will forget things about him. And that is what I am afraid of most. Not remembering.

I miss him so much.

D

The flowers still blossom
The rain still falls
But you have closed the door

The sun still shines
The fires still burn
But you have closed the door

Morning comes
Night-time too
Your pain is gone now and so are you
You closed the door

Postscript
Since discovering God, He has helped me address my emotions and although there will always be some pain I feel now thanks to Him that I am in a better place.